The Problem with Trying to Control Our Emotions

Many of us who struggle with anxiety develop a complicated relationship with our emotions. We start believing that if we just try hard enough, we can prevent certain emotions from happening at all. We think that mastering our emotional landscape is possible—that if we could just find the right technique or approach, we could ensure we never have to feel uncomfortable emotions.

Here’s the truth: emotions aren’t controllable or preventable. They’re going to show up whether you want them to or not.

As my friend and colleague Joanna Hardis puts it, “We can’t control like, you know, emotion. A lot of the times, emotion… we’re going to feel something.” What we can influence, however, is how we respond to those emotions once they appear.

When we spend all our energy trying to prevent emotions from surfacing, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. The moment an unwanted emotion appears, we immediately feel like we’ve done something wrong or that something is wrong with us. This adds another layer of discomfort and agitation to an already difficult experience.

What is Emotional Allowability?

The term “emotional allowability” (coined by Joanna) refers to our capacity to experience the full range of human emotions without resistance. It’s about recognizing that emotions will come and go naturally, and our job isn’t to prevent them but to learn how to be with them.

This concept stands in contrast to terms like “emotional availability” or “emotional intelligence,” which can sometimes imply that emotions are something we can master or control. Emotional allowability acknowledges that emotions are simply part of being human—they’re not available or unavailable, they just are.

Being emotionally allowable means:

1. Accepting that emotions will show up organically, whether we want them to or not
2. Recognizing that experiencing emotions doesn’t make you weak or broken
3. Understanding that even intense emotions have natural limits—they won’t keep escalating forever
4. Learning to coexist with difficult feelings rather than trying to push them away

Why We Fear Our Emotions

For those of us with anxiety disorders, there are several common beliefs that feed our fear of emotions:

“My emotions are too intense to handle”

Many people with anxiety believe their emotional experiences are somehow more overwhelming than other people’s. We fear that if we fully allow ourselves to feel an emotion, it might break us or never end.

The truth is, while people may vary in sensitivity, there are physiological limits to how intensely we can experience emotions. As I mentioned in the podcast, “if you hooked a thousand of us up to all kinds of electrodes… and measured the physiology while we were experiencing very difficult emotions, I bet we would see a very narrow range.”

What makes emotions feel unbearable isn’t their actual intensity but the stories we tell ourselves about them.

“I am structurally incapable of handling emotions”

Another common belief is that we’re somehow fundamentally flawed in our ability to process emotions. We think other people can handle difficult feelings, but we’re just not built for it.

This belief often stems from past experiences where emotions felt overwhelming. But handling emotions is a skill that can be developed—it’s not an innate quality that some people have and others don’t.

“I should be able to master my emotions”

Many of us approach emotions like any other problem: something to be solved or fixed. We think if we’re smart or disciplined enough, we should be able to control what we feel and when we feel it.

This belief is especially common in Western cultures, where we tend to value mastery and control. But emotions don’t work that way—they’re not problems to solve but experiences to have.

How to Become More Emotionally Allowable

Becoming more comfortable with your emotions isn’t something that happens overnight, especially if you’ve spent years trying to avoid or control them. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Recognize that emotions aren’t controllable

The first step is acknowledging that you don’t get to decide which emotions show up or when. They’re going to appear organically, and that’s normal and human.

2. Notice the stories you tell about your emotions

When a difficult emotion arises, pay attention to the narratives that follow: “This will never end,” “I can’t handle this,” “This means something is wrong with me.”

These stories often cause more suffering than the emotion itself. Try to separate the actual experience of the emotion from the interpretations you add to it.

3. Practice staying present

When an emotion feels overwhelming, try to stay with it for short periods—15 or 30 seconds at a time. Notice the physical sensations without getting caught in the story of what the emotion means.

4. Take the next right step

As Joanna suggests, sometimes the best approach is to ask yourself, “What is the next right step for me?” This might be continuing what you were doing before the emotion arose, taking a few deep breaths, or simply acknowledging how you feel.

5. Be compassionate with yourself

Remember that learning to be with difficult emotions takes time. As Joanna says, “You got to be bathing in self-compassion… approaching it with a lot of curiosity.”

If you find yourself resisting emotions, don’t judge yourself harshly. Notice the resistance with kindness and curiosity.

The Freedom in Allowing Emotions

There’s a profound burden that’s lifted when we stop trying to control our emotional experiences. When you can reach the point of saying, “I guess right now I’m just going to be angry” or “I guess right now I’m just not going to like myself very much,” you free yourself from the exhausting cycle of resistance.

Being emotionally allowable doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle with difficult feelings. It means you recognize that emotions are temporary experiences that pass through you—not permanent states or reflections of your worth.

As I’ve learned through my own recovery journey, emotions are like the weather—they come and go, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes intensely. They don’t define you; they’re just part of the human experience.

If today the best you can do is turn slightly in the direction of emotional allowability after years of resistance, that’s a win. Small steps count. Keep going. You can do this.

Links Of Interest

• Joanna’s Website
• Find Joanna on Instagram
• Find my “Practical Mindfulness for Anxiety Recovery” Groups
• My Panic Attacks Explained Workshop
• My Agoraphobia Explained Workshop
• My Panic and Agoraphobia Recovery Guidebook
• Follow me on Instagram
• My YouTube Channel
• Disordered – With Josh Fletcher

Disclaimer: The Anxious Truth is not therapy or a replacement for therapy. Listening to The Anxious Truth does not create a therapeutic relationship between you and the host or guests of the podcast. Information here is provided for psychoeducational purposes. As always, when you have questions about your own well-being, please consult your mental health and/or medical care providers. If you are having a mental health crisis, always reach out immediately for in-person help.

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