Happiness Isn’t Always Found in Experiences

Posted September 3Sep 3

It appears that happiness is found in our experiences. For example, we might desire a particular job, achievement, relationship, possession, or numerous other experiences because we think they will bring us happiness. We may even look for happiness in subtler experiences like love, purpose, or belonging. But all of these are just experiences. They are temporary, and so they can not create the permanent, unshakable well-being that we seek.

Experiences like these seem to generate well-being (or happiness) because we are identified with them. In other words, we feel like we are certain experiences. So, having these experiences reinforces our sense of self. This strengthening of the self makes us feel good (temporarily).

What Seems to Increase and Decrease Happiness?

For example, if someone compliments our appearance, we feel good because we believe we are our physical self. If someone we like asks us on a date, we feel good because we believe we are our social self. If we get an award, we feel good because we believe we are our achiever self. If someone agrees with our opinion, we feel good because we believe we are our mental self. These experiences increase our well-being (temporarily) by strengthening our self-concept. Unfortunately, all experiences are temporary. So, no experience can ever result in the permanent, unshakable well-being that we desire.

The same thing is true for ill-being (or unhappiness). For example, if someone makes fun of our weight, we feel hurt because we believe we are our physical self. If someone rejects us, we feel hurt because we believe we are our social self. If we fail to get the job we want, we feel hurt because we believe we are our achiever self. If someone disagrees with our opinion, we feel bad because we believe we are our mental self. These experiences decrease our well-being (temporarily) by weakening our self-concept. But again, all experiences are temporary. So, experiences can also never result in permanent ill-being.

The Search for Happiness

Even though permanent happiness can not be found in experience, searching for happiness in experience is a normal part of our development. By bringing awareness to these experiences (usually many times over the course of many years), we eventually see that permanent well-being can not be found in any experiences.

For example, maybe we discover that no matter what we accomplish, it never makes us happy. Or maybe we find that no matter how much money we make, we’re never satisfied. Or maybe we see that no relationship ever completely meets our needs. Or maybe we learn that no amount of meditation is enough to create permanent peace.

Although I might tell you that permanent happiness can not be found in any experience, most people need to keep looking until they realize this for themselves. This was certainly true for me. For many of us, this ‘seeking and not finding’ process pushes us to look for happiness in more and more places until we eventually exhaust ourselves, realizing that lasting happiness can not be found in any experience. Paradoxically, this opens the gateway to finding true happiness, which is beyond experience.

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This post was previously published on Psychology Today.

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