The Danger of Looking for Love When You Truly Want It

 

It all started like this…

Three weeks ago I matched with this cute guy on Raya.

I could tell he was my type however quite frankly, recently I stopped dating all together and I have been feeling great. Without the pressure of having to get to know a stranger hoping he will be my future husband, I feel like my life suddenly is haunted by a much smaller number of problems and has been gifted by an unknown set of feelings I would group together under the much coveted label of ‘emotional stability’, so much so that it made me wonder: am I just not cut out for relationships?

So here I am, sitting at home about to leave on a family trip and all of a sudden I get his message. He basically tells me he likes me.

He does follow it up with something a bit more naughty however it was written in a witty sarcastic way so I think to myself — okay. Let’s reply.

I just respond with my number.

He writes me about an hour later telling me it’s a dangerous time to text, the middle of the night.

I ask him what happens in the middle of the night…

As I lean into his banter we start chatting back and forth with very flirtatious messages. In the middle of all the flirtation, he writes some very nice things, things he’s noticed about me and why he likes me.

Things you only get if you truly ‘get’ the other person.

We both realize we like each other pretty much for the same reasons.

When the chat starts to become a bit too intense I tell him I’m going to sleep and he decides to video call me.

Quite frankly, I thought this was just going to be a chat. He lives in Lisbon, I live in London, it was midnight, I thought absolutely nothing of this.

So here I am, in my pj, no make up, retainer (which I quickly hide on my nightstand), and this gorgeous guy appears on my screen.

I saw his smile and that was it.

It was a real smile, contagious, warm, naughty, kind, expressive, of pure joy.

His eyes were brown, piercing, the eyes of a man who knows what he wants and will not stop until he gets it.

He takes the water carafe and drinks directly from it and proceeds to tell me he’s in his parent’s kitchen in Porto. He sits on a stool and tells me he is crazy about me. All on video. All right there, while we are just laughing from the heart.

He noticed I’m a serene person, he mentions I look elegant from my photos, with a warm, sunny positive energy, that I seem calm, beautiful, authentic.

And very sexual.

We sit and talk and laugh like crazy. He hits on me as if we had been in the same room. Confidence through the roof in such a spectacular way.

I start noticing his smiles, the cute one, the horny one, the witty one, the provocative one. I fall for each of them.

He does it all of this just staring into my eyes.

I can honestly say I have never experienced a phone call like this.

He starts to be very sexually explicit but somehow everything seems so sweet it doesn’t bother me. It truly felt like one of those nights when you go out, you spot someone across the bar and you think: that’s my human.

And unexpectedly, your crush turns around and is also completely crazy about you.

They are such rare moments, you rarely see them again after your teens.

Yet it happened to me.

My crush and I were crushing for each other.

We spent hours on video call.

We hung up and he called me back 10 minutes later because neither of us wanted to hang up.

I woke up three hours later to leave on a trip with my family and we texted flirtatiously a little bit then when I landed I sent him a message that read:

< — you walking around in my thoughts

He replied immediately:

I’m avoiding thinking about you. Otherwise I can’t focus.

This was 8 days ago.

8 days ago!

I have never heard from this person ever again.

I guess he really wanted to focus…

I refuse to become a non believer.

Honestly I’m not even sure of what I’m supposed to think. Was the chat too explicit? Did he think I was just a hoe?

What happened since that one perfect conversation?

Like any normal 38 year old woman, I exported the chat and asked our beloved friend ChatGPT.

What the hell just happened?

Here is what ChatGPT said:

Why it feels so weird:

• Emotional mismatch: You experienced the calls as deep + sweet (which they were!), but he might compartmentalize — feeling it in the moment, but not translating it into ongoing effort.
• Men often separate “in the moment” vs. “long term.” For him, it could have been wonderful, but once he hung up, his life, distractions, or fears took over.
• Fear of intimacy: Sometimes when people do feel closeness, they actually pull back after — not because it wasn’t real, but because it was too real for them.

 

What this says about him (not you)

• If he could enjoy the closeness and then vanish, that points more to his capacity (or lack of it) for consistent connection.
• It doesn’t erase the sweetness of what you shared — but it shows he might not know how to hold onto it after.

 

The weirdness is actually a clue

• It feels weird because it’s not aligned with your values. You treasure the connection and want it nurtured; he dipped in, enjoyed, then left you hanging.
• That mismatch hurts — but it’s also information: you deserve someone who sees those calls as unforgettable and wants to build on them.

 

I’m not going to write him

I am trying so hard not repeat all of my mistakes over and over and over again. Thus I will not chase. Though I just cannot help but wonder what the hell just happened.

Was it really all in my head?

So here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Continue for a couple of more weeks to torture myself knowing deep inside that at some point he will write. They all do. Those who don’t die return, as my friend used to say.
2. Stay positive. I will not let some sore loser f up my view of life and of love.
3. Keep moving forward. We cannot stay stuck. If he is worth it he will reach out.

 

As I write this, trying to preserve a little bit of dignity, I can’t help but wonder — could he still potentially be the one?

My gut says absolutely no, he should not treat you this way ever for any reason.

He made me feel like a one night stand.

It’s so hard to date when you are craving love.

When you feel like you’re a bit late on your life timeline, when you feel like you did all the work to be aligned and stable, it is so difficult to be out there trying not to look for love.

The world tells you that you will find your person when you’re happy on your own, okay, cool, I’m happy. Am I also allowed to want love? Am I allowed to crave someone to build life with? Someone to share dreams and hopes with?

Yes.

That’s the answer.

I am allowed.

I am allowed to dream and to mess up. I’m allowed to fall into traps and I am hoping that I am also smart enough to spot them and to pull myself out of them but as all single people out there know, it is hard to date when you are so ready for the right person to actually show up.

How many red flags should you put up with? In truth, none.

He’s a walking red flag at this point.

Here is what I’d like to write:

Wow. You are such a moron.

You know why. You were there.

Honestly, too bad we didn’t catch this, I have a feeling it would have been far above what we are both even picturing.

I don’t believe in ‘you deserve better’ but I know I do.

I don’t believe in ‘wanting more’ but I want more.

I don’t think it is possible to break me, because despite all the pain, I choose, unequivocally, to believe in love.

Yes, I believe despite it all, I will believe.

Perhaps I don’t believe it’s Him anymore…for sure I believe it’s time to call my therapist.

PS. Updates to come.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo credit: JJ Jordan On Unsplash

 

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