The Reason I Don’t Want a Man to Financially Rescue Me

Posted September 2Sep 2

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“Colleen,” says my friend. “I know you want to go this alone. But you may need to consider meeting someone and getting married again one day.”

“Nope,” I say. “I want to be my own hero.”

My friend is a wonderful guy. We are catching up over coffee. We haven’t seen each other in years. His advice stems from a place of concern. His background is in finance.

He’s also one of the guys I foolishly turned down when I was young.

He knows my situation is dire.

He understands my financially abusive divorce.

It was.

But I don’t want a man to rescue me financially. It’s one part — I want to be my own hero. And it’s one part — my children need to see a strong example. A mother who overcomes adversity.

They need to see strength.

I need to set that example.

Money certainly isn’t a sign of strength. But my ability to start over, solve my financial problems, and regain lost independence is. They need me to be that role model.

Women are more likely to initiate divorce than men.

They’re also more likely to suffer financially.

It demonstrates the urgency many women feel to get out of a bad marriage.

I don’t judge women who feel the need for financial security. I get it. I don’t judge women for feeling lonely. I get it. I don’t judge women for wanting the safety of a man back in their lives. I get it.

It’s the human condition.

We need one another. And I do want to one day meet the right guy. A guy who feels like he was meant for only me, and I was meant for only him. I just want to figure out my own things financially.

I understand remarrying works for many people, both men and women.

I’ve met men who’ve offered to take care of me.

I feel compelled to overcome this on my own.

There are times I wonder if I’m being too all or nothing. If I’m being foolish. If there’s a happy in between. I know I was foolish when my divorce began.

My family and friends wanted to help me.

I wouldn’t let them.

My family and friends kept after me. They told me I needed to accept help. Only occasionally would I feel desperate enough to allow it. It was stupid of me. I wore myself down. I should’ve listened to them.

This past year I have accepted more help than I ever have.

I guess a decade of struggling to rebuild has finally caught up with me. I know it’s because I did wear myself down. I needed to accept support earlier in my divorce.

I wouldn’t have used myself up.

But it frustrates me.

I have to restore myself to that girl who can solve any problem. The one raised by a single mother who taught her anything can be overcome. The mom who set an incredible example.

The mother who gave me the strength to believe it’s within my capability. No matter how long it takes. The woman who didn’t give up. The woman who set an incredible example of strength and resilience.

I don’t want a man to financially rescue me.

I want to be my own hero.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.