Now I Know

In Aikido practice, we trained with the jo (wooden staff) against the bokuto (wooden sword) attack. As I practiced, Ishibashi Sensei said, “You have to move backwards.” I got it.

I had to move backwards to draw the attacker in, invite the attack. Instead, I moved forward with the jo.

As I move backward, I strike the attacker 5 times. Sensei demonstrated before I strike that I profile and draw back my jo with my back hand. I wait it out. I strike the attacker as they attack.

Draw back and wait. Strike straight to the head.

Draw back and wait. Strike down to the head.

Draw back and wait. Strike up to the head.

Draw back and wait. Strike the leg.

Draw back and wait. Strike to the side of the attacker’s head with the jo in my right hand.

I practiced that over, and over, and over again. Draw back. Wait it out. Strike. Now I know.

Years ago, I would think, “I’m no good! I suck!” I was unkind to myself. I had zero space for failure. Since, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I’m good with where I am. I can always be better, the better person, the better man.

The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” It’s not like I have to be somewhere or be someone else. I have nothing to prove. I work on myself, not on others. I always have something to work on, to improve, to refine. Now I know.

Billionaire music superstar Taylor Swift made her podcast debut on boyfriend Travis Kelce and his brother Jason Kelce’s New Heights. That New Heights episode had over 20 million views. Taylor Swift literally broke the Internet.

Taylor asked Jason, “How is the wax growing in?”

Jason lost a bet and had to rock his speedo at a public event. He got the European Bikini Wax for that.

Taylor asked, “How are we managing it?”

Jason said, “I’m managing it by not managing it.” His hair slowly grew back.

Taylor asked, “So are you going to do it again?”

Jason admitted, “I don’t think so.”

Taylor said, “Because now you know.”

She confessed, “I always say that after I make an unfortunate judgement call. Well, now I know.”

Although I feared inside that I was not good enough, I said to someone, “I love you.” I entered what I feared most. Didn’t defend against what I feared. No, she didn’t love me. She stayed with me until she could find the man she could love. What we all want in life.

Although I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else, I have a say with what goes on inside me. My fear was truth. I can be quiet inside. Well, now I knew.

In the samurai proverb: Nana korobi ya oki. Fall down 7 times, get up eight. When I fall, when I fail, I get back up. I move forward. Maybe someday, like Travis Kelce, I’ll find my Taylor Swift. I’ll say, “I love you.” Maybe, she loves me. Maybe, she doesn’t. Now I know.

When I’m afraid inside, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I free myself. Let the chips fall where they may. Whether the sword strikes, getting a bikini wax, or saying, “I love you.” Now I know. I can live with that. I can live with myself, too.

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Photo by José León on Unsplash

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