7 Secrets of Successful Relationships (Proven by Experts!)

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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

What’s Even More Important Than Chemistry

We often go into our dating lives worried that if we say the wrong thing once, make too much of a situation, or create a fight, we’ll mess it all up. That anxious thought—“It’s over, I’ve ruined everything”—haunts many people.

Today, we’re talking about what truly creates successful relationships. For each episode, we’ve been putting up polls on Instagram @theMatthewHussey. For this one, we asked: “Which behavior do you see in other people’s relationships that you believe makes them succeed?” The options were: same values, great chemistry, or being in each other’s league.

What People Value Most

The majority of people chose values. Chemistry may get a relationship off the ground, but values keep it strong in the long term.

We then asked, “If you chose values, which shared values matter most?” The top answers were honesty, family, ambition, and money. The results:

• Honesty – 71%
• Family – 20%
• Ambition – 6%
• Money – 3%

Clearly, honesty came out on top. People can compromise on family, ambition, and money, but honesty is harder to bend. Most failed relationships carry a thread of dishonesty—lies, cheating, betrayal, or withheld truths.

The Gottman Institute’s Research on Successful Relationships

John and Julie Gottman, renowned for their long-term studies of couples, highlight the importance of communication and responsiveness. They found that successful couples respond to their partner’s “bids for connection” 86% of the time. A bid can be something as simple as sharing a meme, asking for a hug, or suggesting lunch together. The more often we turn toward our partner in these moments, the stronger the bond.

The Gottmans also emphasize “love mapping”—getting to know your partner’s internal world. Asking thoughtful questions like, “How do you feel about your new job?” or “What are you excited about this week?” deepens connection. Even simple questions like, “What do you need today?” can strengthen intimacy.

Understanding Your Partner’s Communication Style

Not everyone responds the same way to emotional questions. Some people are naturally verbal, while others shut down if pressed too hard. Creating the right environment matters—walking in the park, cooking together, or driving can make conversations feel less like interrogations.

Questions should be adapted to personality. Instead of asking, “Are you anxious about work restructuring?” you might ask, “How’s the restructuring going?” or “What’s it been like for you?” Neutral questions create space without pressure.

The 5:1 Ratio of Positive to Negative Interactions

The Gottmans also found that happy couples maintain a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative one. Positive interactions include shared laughter, kind gestures, appreciation, or simply spending time together. Even if arguments arise, frequent affection and small daily moments of care matter more than grand gestures.

Repair after conflict is equally important. Couples that never argue often suppress their true feelings, leading to resentment. Healthy conflict, when followed by repair, strengthens relationships.

Different Argument (and Relationship Repair) Styles

Not everyone repairs conflict in the same way. Some people want to resolve an argument immediately, while others need space to process. If unspoken, these differences can create anxiety or mistrust.

The key is communication: “When you ask for space, it makes me anxious. Could we agree that you’ll come back after an hour?” This way, both partners’ needs are respected. Repair doesn’t just mean solving the problem—it also requires showing affection, reassurance, and safety during the process.

Playing by a Different Set of Rules

Arguments can spiral when both sides focus on being “right.” But when one partner concedes a point or expresses empathy, tension softens. Even small gestures—a touch, a smile, a gentle word—can shift the emotional tone.

Successful couples remember they’re not adversaries. They’re a team, and the goal is not to win the fight but to grow stronger together. Resentments often fuel toxic fights, especially when underlying feelings go unspoken. Being honest about unmet needs early prevents explosive arguments later.

Respect and Influence

One of the most underrated signs of a healthy relationship is allowing yourself to be influenced by your partner. Respecting their perspective, conceding when they have a better idea, and valuing their input all strengthen the bond.

Research shows that when men resist influence from their partners, relationships are far more likely to fail. True strength lies not in control but in flexibility and mutual respect. A loving relationship thrives when both people influence and learn from each other.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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