We Choose Denial to Protect Our Hearts

“I’m hurting,” says the heart.

“I’ll protect you,” says the brain.

“How?” asks the heart. “I’m breaking.”

“I’ll hold the pieces,”says the brain.

“For how long?” asks the heart.

“Until you’re ready to pick them up,” says the brain.

The conversation of denial.

My friend and I have been talking recently.

She’s upset over a guy. We lament over her angst. We share stories. We bond. We agree we both refuse to accept our truth. Because it’s not what we want.

It’s not what our hearts want.

I chose denial at the end of my marriage. It was a conscious choice. I realized I didn’t want to give up on my husband. But I didn’t realize I was lying to myself to hold onto him.

I wasn’t entirely aware of the facets of denial.

The lies we tell ourselves when love is failing.

We choose denial to protect our hearts. We don’t want to give up on someone we love. We don’t want to lose them. We don’t want this to be our truth.

It’s too painful to digest.

Our brain makes a deal with our heart.

I’ve been in denial again this past year.

I now fully understood the pact between my heart and brain.

I’ve sensed their protective instincts.

I knew they had my back. I knew they were watching out for me. I knew they understood my limitations. They didn’t want me to suffer. I let them rescue me.

I believe our denial comes with mile markers.

There are 3 denial mile markers.

We either have a date in mind, a specific action, or an endless agenda.

It’s something we think may move the needle of the person we care about. The one we choose not to let go of. Even when it takes us down.

The Destination Mile Marker

Denial in the form of a calendar based timeline.

My recent denial falls under this category. I selected a timeframe. I did this consciously. I projected into the future. I had my own reasoning and rationale for this.

It was part soft landing, and part seeing how things might pan out.

I missed a man. I told myself if what I felt between us was real I would see him again. Distance wouldn’t erase it. I felt there was a truth in what we shared, and the truth is hard to deny.

If I was right, it would come to light with time.

As I approach the calendar milestone marker I set for myself, I’ve come to acceptance. My heart is finally catching up with my brain. I can put my denial behind me.

The Sight Seeing Mile Marker

Denial in the form of something we want to see or hear.

A few of my friends fall under this mile marker category. Their denial isn’t timeline based. Their pain acceptance hasn’t been pushed ahead to a particular calendar date.

It’s event based.

The friend I was chatting with has chosen this denial. It’s in the form of something she expects a man to do. She is waiting to see if he prioritizes her. If he will choose her rather than playing the field.

There are other reasons people choose this type of denial. It could be hoping someone moves for you, overcomes an addiction, goes to couples counseling, etc.

A specific action or proclamation that says I choose you.

The Wanderer Mile Marker

Denial in the form of never-ending timeline and optimism.

I chose this endless mile marker at the end of my marriage. I chose (albeit unconsciously) to simply live in denial…for ages. I wouldn’t allow the reality of my marriage failing.

I rejected it.

I didn’t give myself a timeframe, or a specific event to end my denial. I optimistically and spiritually wouldn’t permit my truth. I believe all things are possible. This was my optimism.

My faith reinforced that all things are possible. Miracles can happen. A marriage can be saved. A spouse can care, and change bad behaviors.

And lastly, I didn’t comprehend the massive scope of denial.

I didn’t understand I had slipped into protective mode.

I thought I was doing the right thing by endlessly refusing to give up on my husband, and our marriage. I thought I was being the tenacious problem-solving fixer that I had always been.

My friend and I feel things deeply.

Maybe too deeply.

We both understand that we’ve been in denial. It was too painful to come to acceptance any other way. She’s still waiting for her event mile marker. I’m grateful the calendar has arrived at my denial mile marker.

The calendar has called my bluff.

My heart is ready, my brain’s been waiting. The tortoise has finally caught up to the hare. I can no longer kid myself. I can no longer lie to myself.

I once wrote, “We lie to ourselves to delay our pain. It’s the tool that eases us into heartbreak. It’s the untruth that delays the discomfort. The hurt saved for a rainy day when we finally ingest it and cry with the skies.”

My Irish Catholic mother always said, “This too shall pass.” One of two signature comforts she doled out to us in times of angst.

Eventually things do pass.

We either pick up the pieces, or we leave them behind.