How Renegotiating Your Marriage Can Keep Your Love Alive

Posted September 1Sep 1

My wife and I are coming up on a significant anniversary, the kind with an “0” at the end that you don’t want to forget. We have each been previously divorced, so we both know firsthand the painful consequences of not staying on top of what’s going on in your marriage.

As it got closer to this anniversary, I cautiously approached my wife with what seemed to me like a radical idea. I suggested that we renegotiate the terms of our marriage, and that we continue to do so every five years from now on.

I was concerned that she would hear this as an attempt on my part to either leave the marriage or to negotiate terms that were more to my liking. Fortunately, she immediately understood that my suggestion was not made in the interests of finding a way out, but rather as a way to help us stay connected and happily married.

It’s not uncommon for people to renew their vows on a significant anniversary, but that implies that the vows will remain unchanged and that the marriage will continue under the same agreements. We know that people continually change throughout their lives, so it doesn’t make sense to me that any marriage can be well served by a contract that doesn’t change over time. I’m suggesting that couples have the courage to suspend the assumption that their relationship will necessarily continue, and that they regularly reevaluate the goodness of fit of their relationship for each of them.

I had a friend who, as you walked into the house, would anxiously tell you to be sure to close the door so the dog wouldn’t get out. Now this was one of the most pampered, well-loved dogs I’ve ever met. I had no idea why any dog would think about leaving such a cushy setup.

So one day, exasperated, I suggested that he leave the door open, and that if the dog wasn’t happy there, he could leave whenever he wanted to. That would allow my friend to worry less about his dog running away, and maybe make room for him to settle into what he already knew, which is that his dog loved him and didn’t want to go anywhere.

Many people are scared to lose their partners, which is why they are afraid to leave the door open. So they lead with their fears, making sure that all the doors are always tightly shut. While this might provide the illusion of safety, letting your fears run your marriage means living with the chronic fear of losing your partner. Not only that, but half of marriages end in divorce, even when the doors are closed, making it an ineffective strategy.

We understand this concept in the workplace, but it’s more threatening to apply it to our intimate relationships. Most jobs have annual performance reviews of each employee, which are meant to let employees know how they are doing and what they need to improve to remain in good standing in their jobs. While people are often anxious about their annual reviews, I would argue that they are less anxious than they would be if they never received any feedback and were constantly worried about their performance at work and whether they might be fired.

How to Renegotiate Your Marriage

To make this challenge a bit less daunting, I’m going to offer a series of steps that you might find helpful to guide the renegotiation of your marriage contract.

I suggest you start by finding your old wedding vows and reviewing them. Then ask:

How are we each doing in meeting the aspirations we agreed to when we were married?
Which of our vows have we been able to keep, and which have we struggled with?
Which of those vows seems relevant today that we might want to recommit to, and which of them might feel outdated that we want to let go of?

Intimacy is the capacity to be more fully yourself in a relationship with someone else. The second set of questions to consider relates to intimacy:

How are we each doing in our individual lives?
Is my relationship with you helping me to be more fully myself, helping me to be more fully my best self, the person I aspire to be?

Next, look at physical intimacy:

How are we each feeling about the physical intimacy in our relationship?
Do we both feel that our physical relationship is helping us to feel closer to each other?
Do we feel comfortable talking with each other about our sexual interests and desires?
Are we still attracted to each other?

From there, move to finances:

Do we feel like a team financially?
Are we able to talk with each other about how we spend money and prepare for our financial future?
Does the way we spend our money align with our values as a couple?

Community:

How do we feel about the communities we are a part of?
Do we feel like these communities hold and support us as a couple?

Last, consider secrets:

Are there things that either of us is holding back from sharing with each other?

It’s OK if there are, and you don’t necessarily need to disclose everything that’s on your mind right now. This is an opportunity to check in with each other about what you haven’t yet discussed, and to explore what support you might need to address those topics in the future.

I hope you will find the courage together to give this a try, even if it’s not your anniversary. If you do, let us know in the comments how it goes and what you’ve learned.

Excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. Lasting Impact Press.

References

Weiss, A. (2021). Hiden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. Lasting Impact Press.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.