7 Signs You’re Not in a Relationship — You’re in a Transaction - Good Men

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Isn’t this feeling familiar to you?

You’re with someone, and you’re probably even living together, you’re talking every day, sharing meals, sharing a bed, but deep down, you feel alone.

But, there’s a space between you that no romantic kiss or “I love you” can close. The connection looks fine from the outside, inside, it’s shallow and something’s off. Something’s missing.

Wait…

Also, have you ever sat next to someone and still, it feels like you’re sitting alone?

Like…they’re there, but not really there. Their body shows up. Their heart seems far away.

At first, you brush it off. You call it stress, or being tired. But slowly, it hits you. What you thought was love feels more like an exchange. You give some, they give some, as long as the scales are balanced.

But the moment something tips? It all starts to crack.

So many relationships today feel more like routines than romances. The good morning texts are automatic. The affection feels rehearsed. And the deep conversations that used to stretch into the night? Gone. Replaced by small talk, scrolling, or silence.

People say love is supposed to fill you.

To lift you.
To feel like home.

But for a lot of couples, it feels more like an exchange.

A silent trade.
An emotional contract where affection, attention, and even vulnerability come with unspoken terms and conditions.

Love has started to feel…transactional. And it’s not always about money.

Sometimes it’s validation.
Sometimes it’s an image.
Sometimes it’s safety, comfort, status, or healing.

But whatever the currency, the emotional math behind the relationship starts to feel like this:

“If I’m giving this much… what am I getting in return?”

So why is this happening?
Why have so many modern relationships become emotional marketplaces, where people trade care for comfort, affection for attention, love for leverage?

Here are 7 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Transactional Relationship:

1. You Love for What You Get, Not What You Can Give

Let’s be sincere, a lot of people don’t enter relationships out of genuine desire to love and build.

They enter because they’re lonely, bored, broke, insecure, or tired of waiting. So they look for someone to fix that. They don’t want love. They want relief, they tell themselves…

“I want someone who will spoil me.”
“I need a man who can fund my lifestyle.”
“I need someone that will make me happy”

So, their motive is benefits-driven. They just want to be free. From loneliness. From pressure. From financial stress. So they get into a relationship hoping to feel better, not to be better.

And that’s where the trouble starts. Because love isn’t rooted in you, it’s rooted in what you bring to the table and once it benefits dries off, the relationship starts to crack. Once the benefit fades, the attraction does too.

2. Validation Is the New Currency

You don’t feel loved, you feel rated.

One missed compliment and your mood tanks.

They don’t post you for a week and you spiral.
They seem distracted and suddenly you’re questioning your value.

That’s not a connection. That’s a craving for validation dressed up as romance.

And when love becomes a way to feel worthy, not a way to share joy, it starts to feel like a vending machine:

Press the right button, get your praise.
Miss a beat, get ignored.

3. Social Media Has Turned Love Into a Performance

Have you ever noticed how couples will have full-blown arguments in private but still post “my person forever ” on Instagram the next day?

We’re performing more than we’re connecting.

These days, how relationships look should be more important than how it feels.
So if your partner doesn’t help boost your image, or worse, threatens it, you start emotionally withdrawing.

You begin to treat them like a failed investment instead of a human being.

4. Unhealed People Expect Their Partners to Save Them

Here’s the harsh truth: many people enter relationships as emotional wreckage, expecting their partner to do the heavy lifting.

Fix me. Heal me. Complete me.

Unfortunately, no one can do that for you.

Love isn’t a therapy, when your partner’s job is to constantly soothe your wounds or inner chaos, when this happens the relationship becomes one-sided. A trade-off.

And the second they stop meeting that need?
You feel abandoned, and they feel used.

5. People Keep Score (Even If They Pretend Not To)

Modern love has become a mental spreadsheet.

“I gave you an enjoyable sex, but you didn’t compliment me.”
“I paid for your dinner, but you didn’t post me.”
“I have always stayed loyal, but you weren’t emotionally available.”

Every action is tallied. Every kindness expects a return. And when the math doesn’t add up? Resentment creeps in.

Love stops flowing. People start withholding.
Because in a transactional relationship, the goal isn’t connection, it’s balance.

6. Fear of Being Used Makes People Emotionally Stingy

No one wants to be the “fool in love” anymore.

So what happens?

We enter relationships half-hearted, half-present, half-invested.
We withhold vulnerability until we’re sure the other person is “safe.”
We ration love like it’s a scarce resource.

So we hold back.

We wait for them to open up before you open your heart. We wait for them to say “I love you” before we show care. We wait for proof, for safety, for a sign.

This makes it hard for real connection to take place. Whereas, someone has to take the lead.

7. You’ve Replaced Intimacy With Exchange

Real love is messy and unpredictable. But transactional relationships are clean. Predictable. Measured.

They sound like:

“I’ll only open up if you open up first.”
I’ll give you affection if I feel appreciated.”
“I’ll support your dreams if you support mine.”

It’s not bad, necessarily. But it’s not love either. It’s an agreement. A deal. A contract.

And when love becomes a negotiation, it starts to lose its soul.

Final Thought

This article is not about pointing a finger at anyone, It’s about seeing the patterns, and being honest about the emotional contracts we’re making without even realizing it.

So here’s the question: Are you really loving someone…or are you just trading feelings, hoping to not get shortchanged?

Because love, the real kind, isn’t earned or bartered.
It’s not a transaction.
It’s a choice. A risk. A presence.

Now that everyone is keeping score, choosing love freely is considered a radical thing. That’s a transactional relationship

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This post was previously published on medium.com.