Why Your Advice Doesn’t Work

 

A recent conversation was part coaching, part advice. I asked, “Which part was most energizing?” He said, “When you were coaching.”

It’s humbling to know people enjoy their own thoughts more than mine.

How to help people think for themselves:

Input is distracting when situations call for self-reflection.

Guiding someone to discover their own thinking builds confidence and enthusiasm.

• Ask questions that begin with “what” or “how.” Resist the urge to explain.
• Connect to identity. “What do people like you do in this kind of situation?”
• Bring values to the conversation. “What decision will make you feel consistent with your values?” Or “What values are at play in this situation?”
• Make room for silence.
• Explain what you see and hear them saying, so they can hear their own ideas.
• Invite elaboration by saying, “Tell me more,” or “What else?”
• Encourage journaling.
• Focus on the process. Let go of perfect solutions.

When to offer advice:

Coaching builds ownership. Good advice still plays a role.

The voice of experience matters most when:

1. Time is short.
2. Action is urgent.
3. Inexperience increases the danger of failure.

Be a sought-after adviser:

• Challenge or confirm direction.
• Inspire confidence.
• Expose blind spots.
• Calm strong emotion.
• Clarify issues.
• Protect from unnecessary calamity.
• Propel people forward.

4 Principles:

Keep these principles in mind.

#1. Don’t rescue.

#2. Stay curious longer.

#3. Relax your enthusiasm to share your wisdom.

#4. Listen deeply.

Illustration:

Suppose you’re helping someone prep for their first presentation.

Begin with coaching: “Think about the best presentations you’ve seen. What stood out about the presenter? The content? Why did it work?”

Once they’ve explored their ideas, say: “I’ve given great and terrible presentations. Want a few tips that might help?”

Power Tip: Your questions matter more than your answers.

How do you decide when to coach and when to give advice?

What advice-giving tip do you have?

Exposing God-Like Advisers

The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice HBR

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Previously Published on leadershipfreak with Creative Commons License

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