The Subtle Habits That Kill Relationships (Without You Realizing)

 

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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

Did You Miss It?

What a lot of us are afraid of when we say sorry is that we will get eaten. Yes. Like if I show weakness and admit fault, I can’t trust the other person not to take full advantage of the fact that I’m admitting some fault.

Hey, you seem to have perked up. He’s been really miserable all day. He has been a bit sheepish, hasn’t he? Yeah. Down. Oh, I was absolutely gutted, Steve. I’ve been beside myself.

Why is that, Matt? Well, you remember the Dating Made Simple event I did on the 20th? The one attended by over 10,000 people. Lovely day. I missed it.

Do you mean you missed it? I missed it. I was so busy doing the event, I wasn’t able to see it, and I wanted to see how I did. Ah, that makes sense. Well, you do know you can just go online and watch the whole event again right now?

You are a liar and a cheat and a deceptionist. No, it’s just a fact. If you go to lovelifereplay.com, you can watch the whole event in its full glory. Here you go. I pulled it up on my phone.

Oh, I suppose there it is right there. Sorry about the whole deceptionist thing. No, it’s fine. Well, it does say here that you can only watch this until the 30th of May. That’s right. So if you want to see it, and I will be watching it right now after this podcast, go to lovelifereplay.com—but only until the 30th of May.

Unpacking the Red Flag of Defensiveness

Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of denying responsibility, making excuses, or flipping blame to someone else. You’re never really taking accountability.

You might say, “Oh, it’s not my fault we’re late—you always take forever.” This is one of the ultimate red flags that makes relationships really hard, because if someone can’t take ownership and can’t say sorry, then they can’t grow. They can’t improve.

A psychologist once told me that narcissism is often associated with incompetence. The reason is that narcissists have an almost impossible time admitting fault. And if you can’t admit fault, you can’t learn. If you can’t learn, you can’t improve. So you remain incompetent.

This happens in relationships all the time. Even if someone does improve, they often do it quietly, away from you, without humility. It’s not about, “I’ve heard you, and I’m going to improve this for us.” Instead, it becomes a solitary journey. That’s why being in a relationship with someone who can never apologize and who only gets defensive is such a lonely experience. In my opinion, it’s one of the biggest red flags.

And the blaming always comes with it. If you can’t take responsibility, you shift it to the other person. “You’re crazy.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re too much.” All of those things.

Why Stonewalling Feels Like a Betrayal

Stonewalling means withdrawing from interaction to avoid conflict. Shutting down. Going silent. Walking away without resolution.

The problem is that it makes your partner feel abandoned and disconnected. You don’t solve things together. They’re left to just “move on” because you won’t engage. That can feel incredibly lonely and activating for someone—almost like a betrayal.

I liken it to a child left alone to cry. At first, there’s fear and survival panic. But eventually, because it’s too painful to stay in that state, the child goes numb. They dissociate. The same thing happens in relationships when someone stonewalls: we’re left ruminating until we either dissociate or distract ourselves, but we lose a deep sense of safety.

It’s like: “I can’t trust you with my emotions. I don’t trust you not to hold me hostage.” That breaks something in the relationship. It feels like a loss of innocence, because you realize you’re not playing by the same rules. If I saw you hurting, I’d want to comfort you. But when I was hurting, you froze me out and then came back acting as if nothing happened. I can’t trust you with my feelings anymore—and I resent you for it.

“Keeping Score”

So much of this comes down to the idea of keeping score. Many of us were raised to believe relationships are power struggles—that someone always loves more, that there’s always a seesaw of who’s on top.

Often, people with wounds from childhood try to control their way into feeling safe. On the extreme end, that becomes narcissism. But on the less toxic side, it’s simply people who aren’t emotionally mature enough to see they’re putting their partner on the back foot to feel in control.

The truth is, a relationship can only thrive if it’s a partnership of equals. Two people coming to the table willing to be wrong, willing to apologize, willing to work on themselves. Relationships that succeed are built on humility, not power games.

In Order to Admit Fault, We Have to Feel Safe

A lot of us are afraid that if we say sorry, we’ll get eaten alive. That our admission of fault will be the only truth of the situation and we’ll lose all our power.

This usually comes from past dynamics where being wrong was shameful or unsafe. We felt we couldn’t admit fault without being punished for it. And so, we stop feeling safe enough to admit when we’re wrong. But to admit fault, we have to feel safe.

Audrey, you’ve been a healing presence for me in this. Even though I’m generally good at taking ownership in life, I carried a fear in romantic relationships about admitting fault. It felt too vulnerable. But you were always willing to approach it with generosity toward my character, reminding me of the good in me, even when I messed up. That created safety.

And you also modeled it. Even when I was the one who owed the apology, you were still willing to say, “I know I didn’t approach that very well.” That healed something in me, because I realized arguments don’t have to be about one person being “the bad one.”

How to Show Up in Arguments

If you’re arguing, you should both be sorry. Unless one person is literally doing nothing wrong and being yelled at, arguments usually involve two people contributing to the conflict. There’s almost always something both can own.

The way you show up matters. It’s about strength—expecting people to own their mistakes. But it’s also about humility—being willing to own your part. And it’s about generosity of spirit—acknowledging the best in someone even while they’re apologizing.

Strength, humility, and generosity together are incredibly powerful. They solve so many of the issues we’ve been talking about: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. That combination creates a truly great relationship.

Restore Your Hope

If you want to restore your hope in love and the ability to find something real, go to lovelifereplay.com. You can watch the replay of the live online event I did on May 20th, attended by thousands of people, where I shared a plan for finding enduring love in today’s chaotic dating world.

If you’re tired of situationships, casual flings, or people who never invest, and you want something real, watch the replay before it goes away on May 30th. Once it’s retired, it won’t be available anymore. Don’t miss it: lovelifereplay.com.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

 

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