I’m Terrified That I Was the Awkward Creep at a Party! What Do I Do?

 

Hello Doc,

I have been reading things here for a long time and while I don’t agree with you on everything, I have often thought about getting your opinion on things, as you clearly understand people way better than me. Now, just today, something came up and it will be a while before my next therapy appointment, so I could do with some advice. It isn’t exactly a dating question, but I know you’ve answered questions about general issues with socializing before.

First up, I’m a 31-year-old German, bisexual, autistic (as you probably guessed) guy with moderate depressive disorder and severe social anxiety. I still live with my parents working on a university degree, that seems to take me forever, have very few friends (I had none for most of my youth) and am generally very bad at dealing with people. Like, I know several other autistic people and even compared to them I am bad at it. Even though I can talk just fine and don’t think I am even that bad at understanding people’s actions at a distance, when I am actually around someone else it’s like “What do I do with this? Why are they acting like that and reacting that way to me? Why do I always do this shit, I know is wrong?”

To finally start approaching the point: I made the (very scary to me) decision to, for the first time, join a Pride Parade in a nearby city this year, which was today. I am furious about the massive social push-back against queer people, especially trans people, that has been happening recently. I know it’s worse over in the US, but it’s very much happening here in Germany too. So I felt, I should do at least this little to show my support. Also, I thought, I needed to get out of my comfort zone and had that slim hope of making some connections to people. I can already see the “Pride isn’t about making friends or lovers”-reaction coming, as it seems nowhere that people meet is about meeting people according to the internet, but I digress.

I actually had a really good time at the parade itself. I had seen very few other queer people in real life before and seeing so many so different people come together to stand up for one another felt really wonderful. I did not exactly feel a part of the group, but at least along with the group, if that makes any sense.

The party after the parade was another story. The parade had arrived at the site earlier than expected and so the organizers needed a while to set things up. I hadn’t made up my mind about whether I was even going to stay for the party ahead of time, as I usually hate parties, but with the delay, I decided to at least take a look around. After some looking around and eating some ice cream, I realized, there wasn’t really much for me there and I left to go home.

The party was on one side of a river I had to cross and when I got to the other side, I sat on a bench to rest for a little. I realized, that I was feeling incredibly lonely. I had seen all these friends and couples around me for hours, but never talked to any of them, didn’t even know how to talk to them. I felt going home was giving up, that I had to take the chance, instead of running away from people, like I always did.

So I went back to the party and stupidly did the same thing I always do at parties, that never works: walk around aimlessly looking for someone who may be interested in conversation, because I don’t enjoy dancing or drinking. But if there are signals that people are willing to open up their groups, they are invisible to me and, well, almost no one was sitting around on their own. And I couldn’t just place myself somewhere in the vain hope someone might come up to me, because it was too crowded.

But then I noticed, I wasn’t the only one circling the premises. I noticed two other people doing the same thing: One was very thick and wearing nerdy clothes, the other was quite cute with pretty, long locks and a wearing a long black skirt that suited them really well. (Both looked like guys to me, even with the skirt, but I’m not gonna assume at a pride party.)

Showing myself much more shallow, than I thought, I tried to get closer to the cute person. I thought of what to say, something like: “Hey. Are you waiting or looking for someone? Because you look like you’re just aimlessly walking around and I was worried, that I was the only one doing that. Wanna be aimless together for a bit?” (Leaving the “are you lonely just like me, oh pretty probably-not-a-woman” implied at most.) It probably shows how little social calibration I have, that I genuinely have no idea, how that would have come off.

Chances are, that they were in fact just looking or waiting for friends, because they checked their phone whenever they stopped. Either way, with me not getting a good opportunity or hesitating too long, but not wanting to lose sight of them, I found myself following them around. Oops.

I should have just left then and there, or done anything else. But I just got fixated on this idea. I did keep myself away from the cute person for a while and they left my sight. But after a while, I saw them down near the river (where the quieter part of the party was), still aimlessly walking around. I waited near the stairs that went down there, but they didn’t come up, so I went down. I actually got pretty close, as they were getting up from the dry grass, they had been lying in for a moment. Our eyes met for a moment and their look seemed to say: “Why the hell are you looking at me?”

Apparently, that still wasn’t enough for me, so when they sat themselves down, right next to the river but away from most people, I sat a bit away from that but just in visual range. They had a quick phone-call (possibly about the creepy stalker following them around). I thought, if they wanted to, they could approach me, if only to confront me, so I could apologize. That didn’t happen, they got up and I looked away, so I couldn’t see where they were going. Then I left for home.

When I got home, I had to find out, that I had been even dumber, than I thought. The weather forecast I’d read had said, that it would be cloudy, so I stupidly didn’t put on sunscreen. It was not cloudy. The entire time I was making an ass of myself, I had been having a bright red face from sunburn.

I know, that chances are, the person I was fixating on didn’t even notice most of that. I still fear, that I have now become someone’s scare story, about how some weird-looking creep had followed them around at pride.

So, my question, after that way-too-long story, is: How do I do better next time? I mean beyond not staring at and following around strangers. Because I had enjoyed the parade and would like to return next year if I can. Should I just avoid the party? Try to bring someone along (will be hard, my few friends and family aren’t bigots, but are awkward about queer stuff)? Should I try to go to one of those queer meetup-things, that seem super awkward and forced to me, because awkward and forced communication is better than none?

I hesitate to ask about more effective methods of approaching people, because whenever I see someone give them, my thought is: “Well how am I supposed to do that? Want me to climb a mountain next?”

I’m writing this so soon after it happened, because, my self-hatred is already turning this from “That went badly. How can I do better?” to “I am a complete garbage person, that no one should ever associate with.” (I am not asking for help with the self-loathing. The only answer you seem to have to that is: “Make yourself think differently.” Which doesn’t work. Yes I tried. Many times.)

Sincerely,

Future Pride Scare Story 

Hey, FPSS, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re feeling or your understandable worries but are you sure that the problem here isn’t just anxiety fucking with you?

To be perfectly honest, I’m not actually seeing anything in your letter that suggests that you actually did anything wrong – certainly nothing that would come off as creepy or untoward. Most of what you describe sounds pretty anodyne and seems to be more about you over-thinking things and kicking yourself in the junk.

I want to start off by saying that you did a brave and admirable thing. You were trying to get out of your comfort zone and actually go meet people and have fun. That can be pretty damn huge, and it’s great that you did! I’d also point out that the line about “hey, are you kinda wandering and feeling about rolling solo? Me too! Wanna hang out so we don’t feel as weird about it?” is actually a good approach. It’s a little self-aware vulnerability, a bid for a shared commonality and an offer of both understanding and relief. I think, if you’d managed to actually spit it out, that it would’ve gotten a positive response, even if they were just looking for their friends or waiting for someone.

It just seems a shame to me that you’re turning this moment of progress and growth into self-recrimination for no reason.

Part of it seems to be that you either have primed yourself to expect this or you’ve been doing some form of psychic self-harm by looking up videos and TikToks that would confirm that you’re a bad person. I’m honestly scratching my head, for example, at where “Pride isn’t about making friends or lovers” came from. Now admittedly: I’m a straight, cis dude, so my perspective isn’t going to be the same as someone in the queer community but I would’ve sworn that part of the point of Pride is, well, community. Bringing people together, celebrating yourselves, connecting and bonding and rejoicing. Saying “Pride’s not about finding making friends” seems to be contrary to the whole point about it; you’re at a celebration, not a monastic meditation retreat. This sounds to me like the equivalent of saying that you’re not supposed to try to make friends at a rock concert or at college.

(Now to be fair: there seems to be a series of endless debates about what is or isn’t “allowed” or “appropriate” at Pride – usually about kink, corporations or bi/pan people with opposite sex partners – so I could have missed some long-simmering Discourse… but I’d be shocked if so).

I mention this because I don’t know if this is something you came to the event with, or if it’s an after-the-fact rationalization about how ‘awful’ you were. But either way, it sounds like this is more about confirming your priors, rather than a sign that you broke some unwritten rule and are thus a terrible person. And, again, I’m just not seeing it.

If anything, what I’m seeing is standard depression and social anxiety and a lot of your just talking yourself down and beating yourself up because… being shy and worried about talking to someone just wasn’t “bad enough”, I guess. The whole “Oh God, I fucked up so badly, everyone saw and everyone thinks I’m a predator!” sounds like a pretty common refrain from anxiety brain weasels. Then you compound it with comments like how you’re shallow for (let me check my notes here) finding someone attractive when they were conventionally attractive. Oh you villain, you monster, how could you?

OK more seriously: it doesn’t sound like you even got close enough for the person to clock that you were even there, never mind thinking you were stalking them. As near as I can tell, while you were maybe in their sight line occasionally, you were always at a distance, never actually got that close and never talked to them. Sure, you were trying to stay in the general area in hopes that you’d find an opportunity (and the courage) to talk to them but… it’s a party. People mix and mingle and circulate and walk around. You’re going to see folks over and over again because crowds churn and move and people walk around, talk to folks, get drinks, dance, go grab a smoke break or find a quiet spot to take a phone call or just get some fresh air. It’s pretty much expected, and frankly, most people are either not going to notice, or not think anything of it.

You didn’t follow them to places that would be unusual for people to go, nor did you get close enough for folks to feel like maybe this was more than coincidence. The one time you were in near physical proximity was when they were already getting up and leaving. And the next time you were within eyeshot, they were on their phone and you were leaving.

None of this reads as “following with ill intent”, “stalking” or even “guy thinks I’m cute and is trying to work up the courage to talk”. It’s far more likely to read as basic social churn at a party.

The closest you ever come to having any sort of meaningful contact that would suggest they were even aware you were there is that… they made eye-contact once. Unless you were giving them the hairy eyeball and staring unblinkingly like you were measuring their skin for how many belts you could make out of them, the odds that they even clocked that you were following them is really, really low.

I would also point out that literally everything else about this non-interaction – up to and including reading “ungh, who is this guy?” is interpretation on your part, and considering your social anxiety, I would not trust your interpretation as being reasonable or accurate. It’s the very definition of confirmation bias – you already assume that your presence is unwanted and intrusive, so it’s no wonder that you found “proof”. you were expecting to have this result and oh look, you did. Except, as I said: I don’t think you did. Unless they actually gave a hostile look – furrowed brow, frown, eyes narrowing, fists clenching or shoulders tensing – or gave some other sign of disgust or dislike, the odds are that they just think they made eye-contact with a stranger and that was the end of that.

The same goes with having been sun-burned. That’s embarrassing, sure, and potentially painful… but hardly unheard of. Getting too much sun at parades or outdoor parties is pretty much at the top of “most common shared experiences” lists at events like this. That, overpriced concessions, and “Sweet suffering fuck the port-o-potties were horror shows”.

Here’s the thing: social anxiety feels like there’s a spotlight on you at all times and convinces you that you’re the center of everyone’s attention and I promise you: you are not. Everyone’s busy with their own lives and their own drama and don’t have the time or mental bandwidth to clock you as more than another face in the crowd – sunburnt or otherwise. And in the event that anyone noticed you specifically, they almost certainly didn’t think “wait, why is this person following me”; if anything, they forgot you existed as soon as you left their eye-line. The reason why it feels like everyone’s paying attention to you is because you are feeling self-conscious about it. It feels to you like nobody could possibly miss that you’re always nearby, staring… but trust me: it absolutely is. People will miss a dude in a gorilla suit; you’re not nearly as visible as that.

I think we can safely say that the worst thing you did at this party was forget to bring sun screen, and the rest is just your anxiety fucking with you. You were pushing your limits, your social anxiousness kicked into high gear and your jerkbrain ran with it, that’s all. Part of it is the inherent awkwardness at being at an event where you don’t know anyone, part of it is a lack of experience and part of it is just fear. That’s ok, because those are all fixable!

You mention that you’re in therapy. I think it may be worth talking to your therapist about options for managing your anxiety, both in the moment and in general. There’re a number of breathing exercises you can do in the moment to help calm yourself down, like the 5-5-5 technique where you inhale for a count of 5, hold it for a count of 5 and exhale to the count of 5. There’s also the 4-7-8 version, which follows the same pattern. Breathe in slowly, hold it, breathe out slowly. You may also want to talk about potential medical options, from beta blockers to full SSRIs. These can help you get a handle on the physical symptoms of anxiety, which makes it easier to manage the mental and psychological side of it.

The other thing I think you should do is to go queer meetups, especially ones focused on meeting people and making new friends. Not only does this give you a chance to get used to just chatting with people – and meeting new potential friends – but it also means that next year at Pride, you’ll see some familiar faces, which can help alleviate some of the pressure of “how am I going to talk to anyone?”

The last thing I will leave you with is this: I’ve written a lot about how to navigate parties and talk to strangers, and recommend you check them out. But if you want my #1 tip for how to handle being at a party where you don’t know anyone? Talk to one of the hosts or, failing that, introduce yourself to someone who seems nice and tell them that this is your first time at Pride and you don’t know anyone here. Not only can damn near everyone relate, but they’re far more likely to introduce you around and help you meet people if you lead with that. Trust me: it works a hell of a lot better than holding up the metaphorical wall and hoping that some extrovert is going to come along and adopt you.

But seriously: you’re fine. You didn’t creep anyone out, you didn’t act egregiously. This is just anxiety fucking with you. You’re ok. I promise.

All will be well.

***

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I fell in love with a Very Unsuitable Person – as in potentially career ending levels of unsuitable – and for a while he loved me back. It was a non-sexual but highly-romantic relationship.

There were several opportunities for me to have said no, or halted the relationship, but I didn’t want to, so I continued seeing him until he broke up with me rather abruptly.

It’s been three months since the breakup, and I still miss him so much it is a constant ache, a whine in the back of my head. I know I got very, very lucky. It was a clean break, no drama on either side, end of career averted, Very Unsuitable Person voluntarily fucked off out of my life. The universe gave me a mulligan.

I don’t think there’s any possibility of him popping back up again, either. But god do I miss him. I miss the laughter and smiles and in-jokes and sweetness. I miss the sound of my name from his mouth. I miss the way his breathing sounded when we watched a movie together and he was really into it. I miss the intensity of the way he loved me, and how it felt like it was us against the world. And if he did get in touch, apologize, explain…I would seriously consider taking him back, fully cognizant of how bad an idea that would be, and how I would be throwing away that mulligan.

How do I him-proof myself? How do I get over this? Has it just not been long enough?

I’m just so sad.

Sincerely yours,

Lucky, But Not Loved

This sounds rough, LBNL, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I do wish you’d explained a little bit more about why it would’ve been so unsuitable and how the two of you were in this romantically fraught relationship, and that could give a little more insight into how you’re feeling now.

But I strongly suspect that a big reason why you’re still hung up on this is because the relationship ended so abruptly. It’s the suddenness of the break that screws with you, in part because one moment it’s there and everything is great and then suddenly it’s gone.

It’s one thing if you feel a relationship starting to wind down – whether you’re realizing you’re losing that loving feeling or they seem to be pulling a slow fade. Or if you’re constantly in conflict and the good times seem like an increasingly distant memory. In those cases, you have more of a transition period, where your status quo has been changing and the relationship itself is altering until you reach the point where it ends. On those occasions, while it sucks that things fell apart, you at least saw it coming. You’re able to look back on the good times and miss them, but you can also see how – if not why – it all ended.

When it comes screaming out of the clear blue sky, however, there’s no adjustment, no acclimation, no awareness of the change. It’s a bit like a chair you were sitting in vanished and dropped you to the floor, or a door you were leaning on opened without warning. This thing you had is gone and so quickly that you stumble and fall and you have no idea what the hell happened.

Small wonder that you still feel so strongly about it. Yeah, you know this wasn’t good for you and it’s better that the relationship is over, intellectually… but emotionally, it’s next to impossible to make that sort of 180 degree turn in an instant. This is in no small part because what you’re feeling is as much chemical as it is emotional. You’re literally in withdrawal; you were still in the phase where your brain was being flooded with dopamine and oxytocin when he was around. You were getting high off of him – literally – and now suddenly your dealer cut you off with no warning.

So what do you do about it? Well, part of it is that you give yourself closure. While this wasn’t the way you would’ve wanted the relationship to end, you know it needed to, and it’s better that things are over. You can and should acknowledge that you miss how you felt with him – trying to pretend you don’t just doesn’t work – but you also acknowledge that it’s better that this is over.

The next part is that you treat this like any other break up. It may not have been a conventional or even healthy relationship, but it was a relationship, and it ended. So you sit with your feelings and let yourself feel them. You mourn the loss, you regret that it had to happen this way, and you process. Give yourself a couple weeks to have a sad about it, then work on reconnecting with your friends and family. Focus on things that help generate some oxytocin – laughing with your friends, physical touch, good conversations and so on. Get a massage, cuddle with your cat or dog, go for long walks or hit the gym and get your blood pumping and endorphins flowing.

And then? Well, you will be surprised to wake up one day soon and realize that while you still miss these things you used to have with him… it’s not as bad as it was. And as each day passes, you’ll realize that you’re feeling a little better than the day before. And a bit better the next day, and so on and so on. Every day, you’ll miss him a little bit less.

And in time, you’ll realize that not only are you over him, but you’re ready to go out and meet someone new – someone better for you, who isn’t six red flags in a trench coat. And some day, if Mr. Bad Decision does come back into your life – a day that, God willing, may never come – you’ll realize that you don’t want him back. You will have moved on and whether you’ve met someone who better meets your needs or not, you’ll know that this guy holds no more temptations for you.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

—

This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

 

The post I’m Terrified That I Was the Awkward Creep at a Party! What Do I Do? appeared first on The Good Men Project.

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