Why ‘Being Sexy’ Isn’t the Goal (And How to Be Loved Instead!)

“Wait, did that really just happen?”

This was my thought as I was being swung around the room.

I had recently decided to try out a new country swing dancing venue. Naturally, a new location also meant new dance partners, and I honestly didn’t know how to read this one.

The first couple of times it happened, I thought maybe I was making it up. However, every night I went dancing, he was there, asking me to dance.

You’d think that would be flattering — and in a way, it was. But there was one awkward thing that kept happening.

Whenever we would dance, this particular dance partner would repeatedly caress my face throughout the dance.

I literally knew next to nothing about this man, yet he would go all-in with this flirty behavior.

I could tell he was trying to be “sexy” and “exciting,” but instead, it left me feeling really awkward and, sadly, like I didn’t want to dance with him anymore.

This man (while I’m sure, very well-meaning) had fallen into the trap far too many singles end up in.

He was far too focused on “being sexy.”

So focused on it in fact, that it became awkward and off-putting.

As a dating and relationship coach, I see many singles struggle with this, thinking it makes them more lovable.

But what they don’t realize is this isn’t the solution they’re looking for.

We’re bombarded with messages, images, movies, telling us that if we were only more sexy, our lives would be amazing.

And when done appropriately, there’s nothing wrong with being sexy!

But here’s the big truth most people don’t realize…

You can be sexy and not be loved.

There are plenty of people who are ridiculously sexy, but they still don’t have someone to come home to, someone who knows everything about them and still loves them, someone who still wants them even if they gain a little weight or their hair looks funny.

When we focus so intently on being a “sexy person,” we tend to miss the big picture entirely.

You can be the sexiest person in the world and not be loved.

But when you’re truly loved, you’re the sexiest person in their world.

You don’t have to go around caressing random dance partners’ faces.

You don’t have to show more skin, make grand gestures of affection, or say “just the right thing” for someone to care about you.

Instead, you can be yourself, lead with your best traits, and cause someone to fall deeply in love with the real, authentic you.

Because most people think what they want is to be sexy. However, what they truly desire is to feel loved, accepted, and yes, desired by the right person.

So, where do you go from here?

If you’re someone who desperately wants to be loved, cherished, and respected, to be the sexiest person in that special someone’s world, where do you start?

That’s a perfect question!

Here are some of the strategies I teach my clients:

1 — Practice Confidence-Building Habits

Most people don’t know this, but confidence is a habit!

We’re either creating and maintaining habits that build or tear down our confidence and feelings of self-worth.

When you support confident habits, you’re automatically becoming irresistible!

People love being around people who have a healthy self-worth and present themselves like they matter. We see them as good partners.

Confident people are sexy people without having to overshare themselves.

2 — Master Simple Connection Skills

We often think attraction is super complicated, when in reality it’s very simple.

People like people who make them feel good.

This means when you interact with them in a way that makes them feel important, listened to, interesting, and even attractive, you become the person they’re obsessed with!

A few people skills like appropriate flirting, listening when the other person is talking, and having interesting things to talk about will make you someone delightful to be around.

And when that happens, it’s easy for someone to start imagining the rest of their life with you by their side.

3 — Choose to Be a Bright Spot in the World

Have you ever been around someone who drains all the energy out of you?

They never have anything good to say, the world feels like a darker, scarier place after talking to them, or you simply feel stressed out after spending time together.

This is not the kind of person who usually has hoards of people interested in them, right?

Think instead of someone you know who’s kind, positive, and encouraging. You feel lighter, uplifted, and happier after seeing them.

Wouldn’t you rather be around that person instead?

Most people would!

This is why being someone who chooses to see the good in the world sets you apart and makes you desirable.

You’re the breath of fresh air, the one they want to spend time with, the person they think of first.

To this day, I still wish there was a way to go back in time and let my previous dance partner know that his worth isn’t dependent on how “sexy” he is. And, if he’d loosen up and be the best version of himself, he can be loved, cherished, and adored (without the awkward face caresses to strangers).

My message for you today is the same.

Please don’t stress about being “sexy” but instead focus on being loved by the one who sees and adores the authentic you.

Focus on creating authentic love.

Because when you have that, you’ll truly be the sexiest person in their world.

Sexy, and authentically you.