Don’t Let Fear Destroy Your Marriage

Posted Sunday at 05:00 PM2 days

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”

Les Brown

Franklin Roosevelt memorably said, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

And fear is the strongest emotion that you have. It’s what keeps you, me, and everyone else alive.

And while the feeling is always real, it isn’t always valid. And that’s where fear can be problematic.

Your body cannot recognize the difference between real and valid fear—being chased by a lion—and fear that’s only real—having a difficult conversation with your wife.

Both will send you into fight or flight mode. But only one is really life threatening.

The other may only be a threat to your lifestyle.

But when you are afraid to have a conversation with your wife, your primal brain kicks in and you prepare for the battle you fear will come instead.

I get it.

One of my greatest fears is my husband telling me he’s leaving. We’ve been together for 40 years, but that fear is deeply embedded in my past.

So about 15 years ago, when he needed to talk with me about our intimacy, that fear got triggered. (And, yes, relationship professionals have the same challenges as everyone else.)

Using every tool I had, I was able to make it through the conversation.

But, I had broken one of my cardinal rules—not to have a serious conversation after 8:00 at night.

We started around 11 pm and finished at 1 am. For the next two hours I remained glued in the chair. I slept for about two hours before my fear woke me up.

When my husband finally got up, I faced my fear. I asked him if things didn’t change the way he wanted, would he leave?

He looked at me like I had three heads and said, “No, where did you ever get that idea?”

A huge weight had lifted. My fear had been real, but not valid.

Luckily, I didn’t let my fear get the best of me and kept it away from my marriage. And you can too.