How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We know the lotus leaves, but we don’t know where it goes to. We’re sure it’s at peace wherever it goes.

PHIL: One challenge in talking about peace is that it is thought of as an absence, a cessation, a lack of activity, as in “the peace of the dead.” I would rather describe it as a state of being. I can be in a state of confusion or anger or annoyance or depression or any number of things, and peace is simply a state like any of those, except, of course, different. I’m not annoyed or angry or bored. But it is distinctly a state that I am, even if it is defined mainly by what it is not.

And what about positive states: a state of joy or ecstasy, or calmer states like contentment, relaxation, acceptance? They arise from being peaceful, from having a lack of conflict.

This is first and foremost an experience, and the words are aspects of it. It is a state of being, not doing, though doing can arise from it and create a flow state. Because our culture is so focused on doing, not being, this peaceful state isn’t something that is commonly described and talked about, so people don’t think about it, and therefore don’t look for it, but it’s not until you look at something that you see it.

I don’t want to make out that this is some wonderful rare state; I think a lot of people are peaceful without even knowing it or articulating it.

What this conversation has pointed out to me is the extent to which I am at peace, and I see it’s considerable, but not perfect. There are millions of people out there whom I haven’t met but have read about and find to be irrational, vindictive, and unfair. They live in my head and create furious arguments. How can I be at peace if I treat them as my enemy? They’re not my friends, for sure, but to be at peace within myself, I have to accept people like that. Isn’t this an interesting challenge? I have to live on this planet with them, so why on earth would I want to treat them as my enemy? Being aggressive toward someone like that instantly escalates because it makes them feel defensive, so I absolutely cannot do that. I need to accept that they have their own reasons and feelings for how they are. (Issues of self-defense have been discussed since biblical times, and I do not want to explore the ethical nuances here. I have written elsewhere about the paradox of tolerance and when the golden rule should be replaced by karma.)

Maude told the story of a friend who says inside herself, “I love you” to every stranger she passes, and I want to practice something equivalent myself. I think being at peace and offering peace to others, whether they deserve it or not, and whether they receive it or not, is a worthy way. It is not a limited resource: “I’ve been gracious to six people today; that’s over my quota.” Instead, it’s like a muscle that strengthens with practice.

MAUDE: Phil and I recently attended a celebration of life that left a deep impression on me. The woman being celebrated had the ability to be of good cheer consistently, and taught and uplifted many from this place of profound joy. As I listened to the stories of how she impacted so many on her life’s path, I heard over and over how passionate she was in her life. She pursued her loves with great intensity, with the tenacity and discipline that arose from it.

And I thought of peace and how peace is a state of being that is filled with passion.

Often, people do not recognize the actuality of peace, even when they have it. And far too many do not have it at all in their lives. In their mind, peace exists as a conception of something. People imagine that peace is devoid of feeling; that it is a place of emptiness. They think of peace as an absence of a variety of things, not a state unto itself. Yet, peace is very real and becomes known through direct experience, combined with awareness.

Often, knowing begins through belief and intention. It becomes possible to grasp this experience by acknowledging its possibility, seeking for its taste, and then grabbing the feeling and naming it. Peace. Each time this happens, you know a bit more about what it is and how to get there.

Peace is both a state of being and an action. It has a recognizable flavor. It has power and is full of joy. Peace creates a strength that carries you through the challenges of life. It is a passionate experience. It is a choice. It does not contain fear. It does not create distance between the one who is at peace and others, nor does it create distance toward the world.

Peace craves to exist within relationships and can be applied to all interactions. When coupled with love, peace sings with a Siren’s song.

Reading Corner

Peace is a foundational theme of ours; here is a diverse collection of articles we have written about peace.

Do You Want a Peaceful Relationship? Yes, You Can Have One! “My parents’ relationship was a strong influence on my understanding of what it meant to be together. Theirs was a passionate and loving relationship. I still describe how they were as being “madly in love with one another.” There were disagreements but not really arguments. They believed in not holding onto anger, and were intensely committed and loyal to one another and to my brother and me. There was a deep acceptance and a strong trust in each of us.”

How to Practice Peace Within Your Relationships “How can we practice peace within our relationships? Delve into this question with us through these excerpts from How Two: Have a Successful Relationship: One of the most surprising aspects of our relationship is the direct experience of peace that it engenders. This follows naturally from the alternatives to conflict that we practice. For us, peace is not a void described by the absence of conflict, anger or war. Peace is an actual experience. It is filled with calm, assurance of goodness, acute awareness of presence, acceptance of what is, joy, and overflowing love. It is both intense passionate happiness and quiet, rock-solid reassurance. Peace permeates all of our interactions and is our underpinning, our foundation. We are convinced that this knowledge and the direct experience of actual peace can be available in every relationship.”

Peace in Your Relationship and the World “We have written many times about the extraordinary peaceful and passionate nature of our relationship, and in fact our primary goal in all our writings, books and blogs is to spread peace one relationship at a time.
In these very disturbing times, it seems a good moment to focus on this central part of our message. We have a direct experience of peace together that neither of us has known about previously, except as an image or goal. When we speak of this we are not referring simply to the absence of conflict. For us, peace is not a void described by the absence of conflict, anger or war. Peace is an actual experience. It is filled with calm, assurance of goodness, acute awareness of presence, acceptance of what is, joy and overflowing love.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.