Those Who Don’t Die, Return.

Posted Sunday at 04:30 AM3 days

Hi A, how are you? (It was wild and I loved it)!

And just like this, 9 days later, he had resuscitated from the world of the dead.

It was great, J, just great, I thought.

Years ago a friend of mine shared a wise thought: those who don’t die, return.

In my 38 years of experience, this quote has proven to be very accurate.

What can you do next?

I’ll be honest, I wanted to make my therapist proud and actually take the situation into my own hands. Take accountability for the behavior shown. I wanted to prove I know my self worth.

After a couple of kind and a little bit colder texts back, playfully, I said:

Just to be clear, what are we doing — like getting to know each other more or more like online sexy flirtation? Because I asked ChatGpt the other night now to send a disappearing photo but that for me was a first.

Just talking to you turns me on

So the other night?

I’m having fun, what’s your mood?

I kind of felt like a one night stand the other night not sure it’s very me

I respect that

It’s just not me.

This is the end?

I don’t know I guess it was so fun the other night that you kind of seem like an idiot if you’re jsut trying to sleep with me virtually as opposed to actually meeting me?

Hahahaha

Hahahaha

You are delicious

He video called me immediately laughing out loud.

We laughed together. He explained he’s in a moment in life in which he’s focusing on his work and is seeing multiple people. That he hates lies and that he wanted to be up front about it.

I explained how I’m actually stable and looking for something happy and real.

We had an hour long conversation in full honesty and transparency. Just as the first call had gone, it was all quite perfect.

We agreed it must end there.

15 minutes later…

My phone rings again.

He’s laughing on video.

We just broke up — I joke.

Yes I know but I was thinking I’d still like to know you, even as a person, you are so interesting.

I get that but we can’t otherwise what’s the point of this?

Yes, you’re right, I understand.

We laugh a little and hang up.

I must admit, I was a bit sad to let him go. He is also just — delicious- as he would put it.

10 minutes later…

My phone rings again.

Okay it’s not just sex. Right?

No I know it’s not, do you know that?

Laughter on both sides.

I can’t talk now- I say.

Okay just a minute in silence don’t hang up.

I have to hang up now!

We message good night.

The next day

I wake up wondering how he’s going to be and instead of the usual silence he is super sweet right from the morning.

In the evening he calls and we spend 3 hours on a video call where he asks me about my life, about past relationships and all sorts. We talk, we laugh, we go to bed at the same time.

It feels practically like we have moved in.

Then Friday, silence, little moment of panic (due to previous trauma not to him) and Saturday again texting and all well.

We end up spending many more hours on video call to the point where we are waking up and going to bed at the same time on video. We shower together, we brush our teeth, we prepare morning coffee, we share stories and insecurities and learnings of life.

I wanted to go this weekend to Porto but we decided it wasn’t right just yet.

He is covered in work and he wants to be fully free and available for me when I come.

I don’t know if this is ever going to happen, but the truth is that at the moment I feel blessed. I feel blessed that he is honest, that he is transparent, that he put things out in the open.

He has shared that we are in two completely different moments of life and perhaps that means it cannot work — I’m at the best ever moment in my career whereas he is just figuring out his. I am ready for a family and he is still building.

Perhaps I’m just hyper compensating for my loneliness by attaching to a stranger who has become a virtual but real boyfriend though we are just friends and have never met.

I am not sure what it is. However, I do think that he is a lovely human being, sunny on the inside and out, sensitive, emotionally intelligent, direct, real and respectful.

I understand it’s not what I was looking for, that he’s too far away and that he is just not ready for me right now, however out of millions of people I could have met I didn’t meet a ghost, on the contrary, I met a wonderful man.

Lessons from my therapist: perhaps I’m further than I think from finding real love.

I thought I had taken a huge step forward by addressing the situation with him head on. Years ago I wouldn’t have been able to say how I felt. I would have been scared to ask whether he wanted something serious or not in fear of putting him off.

I asked, I tried to close when he said he wasn’t ready.

However, credit to my therapist for calling me out on the fact that I am still there, I’m still holding space for this man who ultimately cannot give me what I want and deserve right now.

Perhaps I got a little lost in his gorgeous smile, or perhaps, as my therapist hypothesized, I am still lacking an appreciation for who I am as a woman and I am taking crumbs instead of standing up for the love I fully deserve.

A part of me, a younger part, still feels like she doesn’t deserve that big love.

Maybe, somewhere along the way I lost sight of the fact that love is possible. I think I lost my belief. And I so want to believe, my friends.

Recently, whether you’re a Swiftie or not, an old video of Taylor Swift resurfaced with her sharing that she would find the right man for her no matter what she was going through. She did.

My therapist says that to find love, we need to believe.

Our thoughts shape our reality and we cannot let those thoughts design a reality we do not fit in.

So here I am, sitting in my beautiful London flat, trying hard to focus on work whilst my mind is immersed in J, hoping I have the strength not to believe J can give me what he clearly said he cannot, yet have the power to believe in love.

To be honest, I must admit that I am struggling to find that blind believe once again but I will try my very hardest to hold my heart tighter, to get back up and to try again.