The Many Faces of Romance

Posted Friday at 09:00 PM4 days

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Romance is one of those words we all think we understand…

Until we don’t.

To some, it’s flowers at the door, dinner reservations at eight, and the thrill of dressing up for each other. To others, maybe it feels more like the inability to wait: a late-night drive across the country just to see you, or an early breakfast first thing the next day.

The truth is, romance can take many forms.

It can be in the planning or in the spontaneity.

In eagerness, in effort, in intention.

It can live in surprises or in clarity.

It can appear in the unexpected, and just as often in the beautifully expected.

But here’s the hard part: when you’ve been hurt before… disappointed too many times, when you’ve seen gestures turn into letdowns, words never turn into actions, or comfort arrive too soon and hijack all romance and effort… it’s easy to mistake eagerness for carelessness, or spontaneity for a lack of effort.

It’s easy to get caught up in fear, even just for a second, and doubt the intention behind it. Which is why it is so important to communicate those fears and clarify intentions, rather than let the past dictate the present and make the judgment for you.

Communication is the basis of any romantic gesture.

I think we’ve all been there: someone’s eagerness feels flattering, even thrilling, and yet something in us hesitates or fears. We wonder if it’s truly romance, or if it’s rushing. That tension between excitement and caution is what makes romance so complicated. The very gestures that sound most romantic in theory are sometimes, due to past experiences, the ones we question in practice.

But being a romantic myself, someone in love with the idea of movie-like moments and feelings, I’ve realised that romance is both subjective and fluid.

It isn’t one-size-fits-all… it changes shape depending on who’s offering it, who’s receiving it, and what both people need in that moment. Some days it might be grand gestures: thought-out dinners, candles lit across the living room, a note left on a pillow, flowers, weekend trips… Some days, it might be waking up five minutes earlier to share a moment, rushing back from a trip late at night because you can’t wait till the morning, remembering how they take their tea or something they told you months ago.

Some people prefer one kind of romance over another. Some aren’t romantic at all and might feel nauseated just reading this (for that, I apologise). But for those of you who are like me… who love it all… it’s never really about the form. It’s about two people creating their own meaning through being present together and paying attention to what the other needs. And since needs can change, paying attention is romance. Remembering is romance.

Maybe that’s the point, anyway… Romance doesn’t live in one gesture or one plan… it lives in the intention behind it. And sometimes, the most romantic thing of all isn’t the action or the plan, though that never hurts… The most romantic thing is two people willing to explain, listen, and understand each other, instead of running away… until they realise they were speaking the same language all along.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.